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A few years ago, back when I was regularly trolling OKCupid for dates, I received a message from a potential paramour. He’d been scanning through the survey answers associated with my profile, and one response in particular gave him pause: when asked whether I’d consider dating someone with herpes, I’d responded no. It wasn’t some carefully considered stance on sexual transmitted infections, or grand statement about herpes. For him, however, it was a potential deal breaker: As you’ve probably figured out by now, my suitor was a member of that vast group of sexually active adults who’ve been infected with herpes.
The internet was supposed to be transformative for people with incurable, but highly preventable, STIs like herpes simplex virus HSV who wanted to date while being open about their status. There’s no question that these sites which have even spawned their own Tinder-like apps are a fantastic demonstration of how innovative online dating platforms can be. But even as they bring together a number of people living with STIs, they don’t seem to do much to improve general education about living with herpes and other STIs.
And as a result, people going online in search of connection and support often end up feeling stigmatized, isolated, and more alone than ever. And in the beginning, that seemed to be the case. Hoping to improve her prospects, or at least connect with people in a similar position, Ellie turned to the internet. But despite the promise of community and support, she found that STI-focused dating sites just made her feel worse.
And since these sites’ only criterion for joining was an STI diagnosis, members didn’t really have that much in common aside from their diagnosis, which many seemed obsessed by. Ellie noted that “it was more of a group therapy site than a dating site.
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Herpes dating apps and sites bring people living with herpes together to find love, medical opinions, doctors, and consultation with expert advisors. Most notably, these sites help individuals with herpes to find long-lasting partners whom they can spend the rest of their life with. However, finding the right website or app can prove to be a hassle.
It is because there are lots of sites out there that aim at serving the same purpose.
I find navigating the dating scene to be humiliating and exhausting: Each time I get rejected because of it, it makes me less likely to try again. How can I feel less discouraged about trying to date with herpes? And how do I tell someone I want to be intimate with? How did we become so insensitive about sexually transmitted infections? Like, stop it with the herpes jokes, guys. Well, for one thing, sex education fails to give enough weight to A how common chronic STIs are, and B how not to be an asshole about them.
No wonder STIs became the boogeyman for so many—we fear what we do not understand.